Everyone went back to school this week so I’ve had some freedom with my schedule. 

Monday I met with my spiritual director.  I ended up telling her about the time I spent crying in adoration for over an hour and how a coworker came and got me out of there for some emergency.  I realized it was the same time frame as the advent retreat when I went to the sanctuary and laid down in the middle of the crucifix, the tabernacle and the alter.  It felt good to talk about these experiences and was insightful to reflect back on these vulnerable moments.

Tuesday I got two temporary crowns on my teeth, hooray!  I get the permanent ones later.  It’s something I’ve needed to do and setting up time to go to the dentist has been a source of stress.

Wednesday I had lunch with a friend which is always a nice break.  It was especially nice because I am able to be myself on a spiritual level and don’t have to hold back.  I really appreciate that in a friendship, any relationship really.

Thursday was my interns last day.  We wrapped up the summer projects we’d been working on and had a celebratory lunch with the staff.  Father hosted at his house which was nice.  I realized I really need to let go of my judgement of the people on the staff.  I also realized I am most bothered by their disrespect of themselves.  They spent most of the lunch knocking one another or themselves or parishioners down.  It makes me sad.

Since it was Thursday, I also stopped into Adoration for 30 minutes.  A couple of things happened, 1) I went through an examination of conscience to get ready for reconciliation.  I had made the decision on Tuesday I needed to let go of the judgement I carry for the people I work with and seek forgiveness for my inconsistent attendance at Mass over the summer.

While in Adoration I gazed at Jesus in the center of the Monstrance and closed my eyes.  Many times when I closed my eyes I continued to see the Monstrance clearly as though my eyes were open.  It was as though I never took my eyes off of Jesus!  Although, it didn’t last.  It disappeared and I either really focused on bringing the image back or I’d open my eyes and gaze at Jesus again.  This little game is something I’ve done before but this week something different happened.  When I closed my eyes, I saw the Monstrance in color, not gold or white but instead the center was red like the blood of Jesus.  It made me smile and feel like I was a step closer to Jesus.

Friday I met my husband at Our Lady of Sorrows for Mass.  I had planned to go to the sacrament of Reconciliation, but was a little late and wasn’t able to get in to confess before Mass.  I reviewed and prepared what I’d confess when I got there on my way in the car.  I’d even considered additional penance I’d give myself in addition to what the priest gave me.

As the final preparations for Mass started, I knelt down and confessed my sins in my head before Mass began.  Then in the opening prayer the words the Presider spoke were as if he was my confessor and we’d just concluded the sacrament.  It was so amazing and before the first reading, I felt the weight of my sin removed.  I asked my husband later at lunch if he thought I had received forgiveness for the sins I’d confessed and he thought yes.  He told me I needed to follow through on the penance I’d planned.

Further, the Gospel reading at Mass was the reading about the Pharisees questioning Jesus about the commandments.  It made me think about how I cannot be fulfilling the first commandment (loving God with all my heart, mind and soul) if I am unable to turn that love around and give it to others.  My penance of inviting the staff to my house for a “game night” and working on being more open in my relationships with them was the first step.