I am learning a lot about myself lately. I don’t know why, but I always act so tough, like I don’t have much emotion, nothing gets to me.

Just like when I tell the story that I didn’t cry when the girls were born and I didn’t take any drugs during childbirth; I was wonder woman according to the Nurses. (Though I did cry when my youngest daughter was born…shh).

Or when I told a friend, “NO” when she asked if I would go through with-drawls while my oldest daughter was in Washington DC with my Mom for a dance camp with my Aunt and two Uncles. I thought, why would I miss her? I didn’t realize that the dynamic of our family would change without her.

We went to the store and I counted kids to make sure all three of them were there. It wasn’t until I turned around that I remembered she was gone or not with us. And when I did the laundry, it was strange that none of her clothes were there. I thought of her and prayed for her and felt the emptiness of our home without her. I walked around the house the day she left and picked up all of her stuff. She left books, drinks, toys and roller blades lying around. Normally I’d have been mad and yelled at her to get her chores done. Instead the house was quiet.

My husband and I were amazed at how differently our house ran and how the other girls acted without their big sister around. My middle daughter has a lot of my traits and has been strong. She doesn’t talk about her sister, but I know she misses her a lot. They are best friends after all and I know it’s hard not having her around. My youngest daughter misses her sister a lot too. When she talked to her on the phone, she went into her sister’s room in an attempt to be close to her. It’s apparent her absence is felt by all!

My husband and I had a serious talk about my behavior and how I keep forgetting things and seem to live in another reality. I ended up crying for a while and decided to make a change. One of my problems is that I don’t make up my mind. When others are involved, I’m happy to go along with whatever the majority wants. When asked what I want for dinner, I turn it around and ask everyone else what they want.

The outcome is that I need to be more assertive and make decisions more quickly. Because of all of the emotional stuff going on and my memory-loss/forgetfulness, I made the decision to see what the medicine my doctor prescribed would do. I took a chance because I need to know if something can help. I haven’t told anyone I am taking it. I want to see if it is worth it. If there is no noticeable change after a month, then what is the point of taking another medication. I’m already taking thyroid meds for life and plan to continue taking vitamins. I was surprised I could tell a difference when I don’t take vitamins. The body is an amazing machine! If we give it what is needs, everything is better. I need to keep a record of the time on the new meds so I can talk to the Doctor about it and be able to rationalize what is best. I began on Sunday and take them in the morning with my other pill.

I also began making a point to get up and do my exercises when my husband gets up for work. Part of why I’m “depressed” is because I don’t always look the way I want. I feel fat even though my husband doesn’t seem to care, he says I look cute or sexy all of the time. He also said last weekend that he can tell when I am exercising and when I am not.

Another driving force is that I took a body fat test at Science City when we took Courtney there for her birthday. I measured at 32% which is obese with 60lbs of fat. YUCK! This all factors in my decision to begin taking the medicine. I thought it would give me the extra push to be able to get up to do my exercise so I can eliminate the stress of feeling guilty for not doing it and make me look and feel better about myself.

This past week has been good professionally. I had a good turn out for the past couple Junior & Senior High activities. I had been feeling very down about my job before the Mission Trip. The Mission Trip was great, then the Mission Trip BBQ, then the Lord of the Rings movie day, Rock Night and dinner at Taco Bell. It was great. I was riding high through to Wednesday when we had Junior High Fun Day. Kids from St. Therese, St. Charles and Holy Family came. There were 12 kids there and it was great! Definitely a fun day but I was very tired. I just wanted to crash on the couch but there was basketball at St. James.

Whenever there is an event that is planned, advertised and ready to go, there is the possibility of a flop or a lot of fun. Overall, everything we do is fun, even with 1 or 2 people but it is not always worthwhile. I always feel a lot of pressure when an activity is planned and I’ve done everything I can to make it great. I get anxious and sometimes with the event and wish it was over with so I can see the outcome before it happens. When 1 or 2 or NO people who, I say I am strong and don’t let it get to me personally, but it does hurt.

Right now the commitment level of the teens from the mission trip is high because they have learned a great deal about service, friendship and God. My challenge now is to expand. Find ways to give the kids that don’t’ want to take the risk that church is not “cool” or “fun” opportunities to find God in other ways. Wow! I have a tough job!

Lord, please give me strength to overcome the obstacles I face in my personal and professional life. I know you are always with me. AMEN