I am lost, imprisoned and a sinner.

I have been these things most of my life, or at least there are times in my life when I’ve told myself one or all of these statements are true.  I can look at my life through the lens of ‘not enough’ sometimes. 

In my early years for example, a less than expected score on a test or a boy I liked not showing interest in me.  These things would cause me to think I am stupid and worthless.  As I got older, not being invited to parties or going to my desired college.  I could spend hours making lists of all the faults and flaws I saw in myself on the inside and out.  Then as a young wife and mother, I’d make a mistake or let my emotions make decisions for me.  In these moments I could spiral into a full-blown pity party where the only way I saw out was for me to disappear.

All of the times when I felt less than, I didn’t think I would ever find a way out of my situation.  I couldn’t imagine how anyone could help me figure out what direction to go.  I felt helpless.

I thought I was imprisoned by my parent’s rules and expectations.  I only saw the obstacles in front of me and was limited in my thinking to consider doing anything but feel sorry for myself. I believed I was a victim.

Though I was afraid of getting into trouble, I still broke the rules from time to time and didn’t do what I was supposed to do.  Especially when I was younger, I didn’t understand the consequences of lying or not telling the whole truth.  I’d try to get the bigger piece of the candy bar I was supposed to share equally with my brother and call him names.  My sins grew as I grew.

I knew Jesus my entire life, but I didn’t have the relationship with him that I do now.  It was when I got to know Jesus more intimately that my perspective began to change.  I began to see myself in a different way.  I saw myself as found, rescued and saved.

Instead of feeling lost, I found direction in scripture.  I began to realize I am not alone and recognized the fullness of Jesus’ presence in my life.  I also understood my value doesn’t come from others, rather it comes from God and he sees me as his beloved daughter.

My feelings of being imprisoned was only my own limited thinking.  I was rescued when I realized God is in control and I can’t be trapped by others who think they can put limitations on me.  This changed the way I looked at expectations, teaching myself to manage my own as well as others.  It also helped to understand that when faced with an obstacle, I have more options than to go over it or through it.  I learned that sometimes it helps to step back and go around.

As for my sins, it is human nature.  I do my best to follow the commandments, to love God and love others but inevitably I fail.  And often.  However, my close relationship with God helps me not put as much weight on the sin and not carry it around very long before I seek forgiveness and reconciliation.

My perspective changed because my relationship with Jesus changed.  I don’t do it perfectly but try to see things as God would see them.  It has helped me tremendously in how I see myself, and how I manage my own and other’s expectations.  A change in perspective is a game changer.  I have been found, rescued and saved; and so have you!