Today I am at Congress in LA. It is day one and I am already stumbling. Last night before I went to bed I “went to confession” in my head. Eloquently I let God know that I am a sinner and am sorry for all that I have done, specifically not attending Mass last weekend or upholding my Lenten promises of attending Mass on Wednesday and Friday or going to Adoration on Thursday because I volunteered all three days at NAIA instead.
My practiced reconciliation played out so well in my head! I have planned since October that I was going to come to confession when I came to LA so that is what I did. In the past it has been something I try to do right away to free myself from any baggage or “things” that separate me from God, or anything that might be in the way of me encountering Christ this weekend during my time away.
Today I went to reconciliation. It was HUMBLING because I stumbled and stammered and made no sense of anything. I walked into the room with a priest who looked to be about my parents age with a gray beard. He asked if I am having a good congress and I said YES. Before I was even seated and settled, he began his prayer, then silence. I went blank. I didn’t know what to say. I tried to “re-capture” the wonderful things I had said in my prayers last night but nothing. So, I asked to simply pray out loud…
Lord,
You know I am a sinner and my greatest sin is taking for granted your mercy, love and forgiveness. Lord, you know I am your servant and that I will follow you wherever you lead me, even though many times I do not understand where that is and I don’t care so long as the path leads home to you. I ask for the strength to be able to put one foot in front of the other to follow you but if I am too weak, I ask that you carry me.
Then I apologized to the priest and then he absolved my sins and laid hands on me. I was overcome by emotions and started sobbing.
Lord,
I know I do not always say or do the right thing, I know my thoughts or words are not always pure, I know I am a sinful person especially in those times, moments and opportunities I have to SHOUT to others about how much I love you.
I become so conflicted because I feel like I grow closer and closer to you but I pull further and further away from others. I want with all my heart, mind and soul to be what you want me to be. I am learning that the person you want me to be is a loving, supportive, living example of you in all of my relationships.
I am called to be a more loving, supportive spouse, mother, daughter, friend, co-worker. I am called to be a living example.
The most difficult part of this is to remain detached from the judgments of this world, especially when those around me mis-judge or mis-treat me or choose something other than Christ and when I do this I am hard on myself because I feel as if I took advantage of God and his endless mercy!
I have become aware of this calling more deeply recently. I always felt like this was what I was doing but never understood it as what I am supposed to do. I need to make the time to put all of my journal reflections together and sort through my spiritual life. I often feel like I am closer to God than I have ever been and then I read a reflection I wrote several years ago and it is still the way I feel today.
In one of my classes today, we were asked to look back to what our faith looked like when we were in junior high. I remember praying the rosary and getting confirmed. I know my faith life has grown and developed since then but I feel God, Jesus, Holy Spirit has been present through all of it.
How do I best portray this and live it out in “real life”? My biggest question is do I find another job or stay where I am? Lord, Let me know which direction I should go! Do I continue to do work at the church and bring the teens and families closer to you? OR Do I seek another path? Do I find a position that allows me the freedom and flexibility to go to the Spiritual Direction Training so I can help others find a deeper connection to you in that way?
I thought that you had revealed all of that to me with the path I took attending the job seeking classes, getting my resume together and bringing me the opportunity to apply for the job at St. Augustine Institute in Denver. However, I didn’t feel you in that opportunity and it really wasn’t what was needed.
I believe Lord, that when the right opportunity comes, I will feel you in it because all things will fall into place as it should. AMEN!