2010 - Struggling with Myself

I somehow thought when school started that I would magically be able to accomplish more at work.  Funny but even through I have been more present at work in the last two weeks, I don’t feel I have done more work.

I suppose it has something to do with going to lunch with one of the ministry volunteers and not putting a time limit on it.  Plus I took another long lunch to meet my husband for Mass and lunch, enjoying some date time.  Or it is because I have many faucets of my job with safety stuff and service outreach stuff that I have spread myself out a little more with non-youth ministry tasks.  And maybe because I have the KCYC stuff I’m doing for the diocese on my plate as well as preparing my presentation for Catechist Day.  OH, and I’m coaching one of the girls’ volleyball team too so have games and practices to add to my schedule.

I have the added personal pressure of wanting to do all I can to be the perfect Mom and Wife at home, making or helping make dinner, go to the grocery store, clean out the dishwasher, change the laundry and even manage to make/take time to go to the gym each day.  I can say with all certainty that I am accomplishing MUCH, it is just not measured on earth the way it is measured in heaven!

With all of this on my plate, it is no wonder that yesterday when we left for the Staff Retreat I was ‘carrying’ a lot of things with me.

·         Need to communicate with the volleyball team, instructions for the Assistant Coach to run practice

·         Need to make sure everything was set and ready for Sunday’s Youth Session & pre-meeting

·         Need to get my head together for the presentation at Catechist Day on Saturday

I am really missing my family time right now!

For the retreat, we all loaded into a suburban.  Before we left the parking lot the discussion went south with dirty, nasty, sexual talk.  Our destination was 20 minutes away and after the first couple minutes of the inappropriate comments, we rode in uncomfortable silence.  Heaven forbid we talk openly to one another or care enough to ask about each others lives.

I could be wrong about the care part.  I think some people care for other people but not for all people.  There is a lot of personal talk that happens at the office but my office is not in the same area of the building so I’m not involved in the everyday conversations.

In the silence, I prayed God would help me to let it all go and not let the conversations or lack of conversations bother me.  I took a deep breath each time they would say “Lord” or “God” in a sinful way, laughing and joking about it.  It hurts me and I’m sure I’m supposed to say something about it but instead I just sit in the center of the car and do/say nothing!

Lunch was good but really no different.  Conversations were surface level topics like restaurants or musicals we’ve been to.  It got bad when they’d comment about sexual songs or sexy dances in the musicals and then giggle like kids.

Our first task was a scavenger hunt.  When this began, I’d lost most of my patience and wanted nothing to do with the activity.  I took my list and took off to find some place to regroup.  I sat and spent about 30 minutes identifying and then getting rid of the things that had accumulated inside of me.  Instead of the task they gave me, I gave myself the task of shedding my negative attitude that kept growing with every minute I was with the group.

The weather was great, sunshine with a cool breeze so my time to get myself straight was peaceful.  When I felt ready, I got up and started back to the meeting point and saw one of my coworkers sitting on a bench on their cell phone.  I felt myself stiffen.  We were supposed to leave behind work and family during our retreat. 

I had to remember I can’t control others but I was still frustrated because I’d worked hard to check everything off my list in order to give myself completely to being on retreat.  I think the worst part is that I was frustrated because I’d expected her to be unable to leave work and family behind and I’d really hoped she would prove me wrong.  She’s always on her phone so had hoped that she’d retreat from it and dive into what the retreat can give.  I took it personally, feeling unimportant and not as important as the retreat.

The next activity on the retreat was going to a bookstore.  We were given cash to purchase a book which was such a treat.  I went in search of “Mortal Saints, Immortal Lives” but instead picked up a couple of fun books.  One is “Heroes Among Us” and the other is “Prayers of an Unbeliever.”  As I leafed through them, I got lost in stories that brought me peace and joy.

I was able to feel myself soften.  Through dinner I tried to ask engaging questions as though I was talking to a group of teenagers and made it through.  Our evening activity was a baseball game so we had freedom to get up and walk around.  It allowed me space to distance myself from some of the immature conversations.

I am having a really hard time having patience.  My struggle is that the closer I get to God, the further away everyone else gets.  I’m teary eyed thinking about it because many of these people I’ve been friends with for years; I’m sad and disappointed.  I pray I can get through the rest of the retreat!