If I have learned one thing, it is that I need Jesus! I know I need him because when I am focused on him (even on the cloudy days) I feel his warmth, support and comfort. I long for time with him daily and many/most times I can only connect in brief moments but other days I am fully aware of the presence of him in all things!
My relationships at home are good reminders of the love God has for me. I am sometimes overwhelmed with joy when I’m blessed with sacred moments in my home. I think, “what have I done to deserve this” and then I feel the tug or call of God saying I have work to do, I have been chosen to be an example of God’s love, an example of a person or a family who allows God to come into our lives and permeate us. We allow the Light of Christ to shine through us. We hold dear to the pure and holy. It is not easy work. It is not convenient. However my faith in God tells me that I am not alone and I can do all things through God who gives me strength.
I believe it all really came to my understanding one Advent when I was on retreat. I was really feeling drug down by life. I went to the foot of the crucifix, by the tabernacle on the altar and I surrendered. I laid my life, my worries, my burdens, my joys, and everything down for God. I gave it all over. I cried and cried but it was amazing to open myself up to God and let it all go.
Am I a perfect person, NO of course not! I am a sinner and I am human but I am aware of my sins and I confess them and seek forgiveness. Do I point out the sins of others or judge them for them? NO, for that would be a sin. Instead I try to simply love – to see them as God see them or how I think God sees them, with a saddened heart but full of love.
Of course I am not perfect, I stumble and I fall and I don’t have all of the answers but what I do have is a desire to see Jesus – to be in his presence and when I keep a focus on him, I am a better person. I have troubles but not obvious ones. I am not dealing with illness or unemployment, defiant children or a loveless marriage. I deal with guilt of not being a better person in my personal relationships outside of my husband and my kids. I am not a great daughter or sister. I am not a good friend. I am not always the best person to work with. I am definitely not the best daughter-in-law or sister-in-law because I am not present.
Despite my faults, I know God loves me. My confessor at Congress told me my penance was to sit for 2 minutes with God and ask him the question, “Do you love me?” Now, it is interesting that there is a time limit for God’s response but I realize now that God doesn’t hesitate his response to THAT question. He answers it before you even ask! I didn’t need 2 minutes to sit and hear the response. The priest (Jesus) wanted me to simply sit in his presence and remember to feel and to grow in love and understanding.
I sometimes think there are hard times ahead. I wonder who will be sick or what kinds of accident will happened or what tragedy will I need to survive or overcome. I think these thoughts are nonsense as I have recently determined that I have been given my cross to bear, that is a marriage and the charge of motherhood and in those and through those to keep true to Christ. To be an example of Christ to those we encounter on our journey.